An email from Louise, starkly honest, declaring those moments when she wanted to change Toby into something different, healthy, longer lasting. Doing housework, she’s come across Toby’s olives in the fridge. “…All dried up – god he knew how to cook – anyway suddenly I was filled with this enormous feeling of elation and gratitude. Puzzled, I went to the window and found myself with my arms reached out – THANKING Toby for choosing to share his life with me – and how lucky and privileged I was to have had all the times we had together. To have had this great BEAUTIFUL soul in my life. It felt sooo good …. I don’t know how long it lasted but as all things do it passed – such a shame – how good it would be to just stay there.’
Am reading your words again, this Sunday evening. You say it well.
‘each moment you arriving like an uninvited and unexpected guest’
Yes, you had to let go. All the causes and conditions arrive at moments, and we have no say in this matrix mix, of pasts, presents and futures.
We never know where our words land, and your’s have landed on something I too struggled with, with Bob. Both Toby and Bob had their demons, and we both wanted to banish and cleanse, but couldn’t, as they had other plans. So we had to watch their ticking time bomb. Action, reaction. You say it well. Thank you for writing it down. Yes, I can imagine him not wanting to let you down. He loved, admired, liked you. What did Oscar Wilde say – Yet each man kills the thing he loves.
We are lucky and privileged to have known them, spent time and space with them. They will exist within us. (I will definitely try and be less bossy, and busy, sit down and talk to people, and, Bob’s great mantra to me, focus!